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There’s a general sentiment that crops up a lot in the therapy room. It sounds like this:
“When I feel more confident, then I’ll speak up.”
“When my anxiety is lower, then I’ll apply.”
“When I’m less busy, then I’ll rest.”
“When it gets worse, then I’ll finally change.”
“When I hit breaking point, I’ll know what to do.”

Not because people don’t want to change but because on some level we’re all afraid to do so so we start bargaining. And it’s so human to do.

Bargaining is what we do when we can feel something wants to shift, but another part of us is trying to keep everything stable. It’s the nervous system saying, I hear you, but not yet. Not here. Not like this.

And if I’m being honest, a lot of bargaining is just avoidance with good PR.

It can even look sensible. Being strategic. Waiting for the right moment. Gathering more information. Keeping the peace. Doing one more thing before you start.

And what this can really mean is:

“When I don’t feel this feeling anymore, then I’ll act.”

And so the brain quickly learns that the only time to act is when you don’t feel discomfort. So it starts treating discomfort as a stop sign. A danger signal. A reason to pause life.

And of course, avoidance is brilliant in the short term (and it is a useful coping mechanism, just not when it’s the default).

It reduces anxiety quickly. It gives you relief. It gives you control.

But it can also accidentally teach your nervous system to just focus on the short term.

So you avoid the difficult conversation and you feel better for a few hours.
You don’t send the application and you feel calmer.
You stay quiet in the meeting and you feel safer.
You don’t set the boundary and you feel less exposed.

Relief becomes the reward.

Which is why avoidance is so sticky.

It’s also why avoidance often expands.

Because once your brain decides something is dangerous, it doesn’t stay neatly contained. It generalises.

One avoided email becomes a general dread of your inbox.
One avoided conversation becomes a general fear of conflict.
One avoided decision becomes a general sense of paralysis.
One avoided feeling becomes a whole life organised around not feeling it again.

This is the bit clients often find heartbreaking. They didn’t choose a small life or loneliness, rather they were choosing short term safety.
And slowly, safety became the organising principle.

So when we talk about change, I’m often less interested in “motivation” and more interested in this:

What are you avoiding?
What feeling are you trying not to have?
What story does your system believe about what will happen if you do the thing?

Because avoidance is rarely about the task but about the meaning behind the task.

It’s not “I don’t want to have the conversation.”
It’s “If I name what I need, I might lose connection, approval, belonging.”

It’s not “I don’t want to slow down.”
It’s “If I slow down, I’ll fall behind and be exposed as not coping.”

Avoidance protects identity and who you’ve become so far and it stops new identities emerging. It keeps you stuck in a past version of yourself (often a very young one).

Which is why the question isn’t “how do I stop avoiding?”

It’s “how do I make the avoided thing feel more survivable?”

And that is actually the work in therapy a lot of the time.

Changing avoidance means changing your relationship with discomfort and that’s the whole game.

It means learning to feel anxiety and not treat it as a command.
It means learning to feel shame and not let it write the script.
It means learning to feel uncertainty and still take a step.

Which reminds me of one of my favourite Tracey Chapman songs, Change and the line: “how good or bad does it need to get? ” - lyrics below my signature :).

Because the bargain most people are making is:

I will change when I no longer have to feel what I’m trying to avoid or it I will change when it gets so bad I can’t manage any longer but very often that day doesn’t come (and if it does it’s filled with shame and regret).

If you’re reading this and recognising yourself, especially if you’ve been saying “soon” for months, maybe the question is simple.

How good or bad does it need to get before you stop organising your life around avoidance?

If you want support with this, the bargaining, the fear, the practical steps, the identity piece underneath it, reply to this or book a call.

I have three therapy spots available and one coaching spot available for a February and March start date.

My fees increase by 20% in March so by acting sooner you could save too!

👉 Schedule Now

Bex

https://delphicoaching.wixsite.com/delphitherapy

www.wearedelphi.co

Change, Tracy Chapman

If you knew that love can't break your heart
When you're down so low, you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget
Makes you change
Makes you change

If you knew that you would be alone
Knowing right, being wrong
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings a pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget
Makes you change
Makes you change

Are you so upright, you can't be bent
If it comes to blows?
Are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know
Makes your life unbearable
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

Have a friend, partner, colleague, family member that is looking for some support but isn’t quite sure where to turn?

Forward them this email and see if they’d like to book in for a complimentary intro call?

Keep showing up, keep connecting, learning and discovering! cheering each yourself and those around you on 💛

Bex @ We Are Delphi

P.S.

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